Motherhood Has Changed Me....

I’ve struggled to write this over and over again. Maybe because it’s all so hard to explain. I guess you could say I just feel off. I don’t know when this feeling of “offness” started. To be honest I feel like it may have begun when I was pregnant but I always assumed that these feelings would go away, that I would start to feel like myself again once she was born. However after she was born I still wasn’t feeling like myself so naturally I thought “Once I am through these initial growing pains of motherhood I’ll start to feel more like myself, things will change.” But here I am six months postpartum and I am still not myself or I guess the me before Maevery.

Adjusting to motherhood has been one of the hardest things I ever had to do and I still feel myself learning things about this “new” me every day. With this new identity I am finding insecurities I never had starting to rear their ugly head. Insecurities about not being funny enough or “cool” enough for the friends not yet in this stage of life. Insecurities about not being a good enough wife or mother. Feeling like I am falling short and dropping the ball on things that came so easily to me at one time.

Through all these changes I thought that my identity would stay intact that the me that once was would remain the same. The truth is I feel so far from the woman who wasn’t yet a mother. That woman had no idea what motherhood would really be like. She had no idea what it would feel like to love another human being so much it hurts, or know the feeling of worrying about every little thing that tiny human does. That woman naively thought that a baby would not changer her. Surely her life would change, the day to day tasks would be different, but who she was at the core of her being would never change. She never thought that having that change would cause her to second guess herself more than ever or that having a baby could make you feel so complete but empty at the exact same time.

Through my recovery postpartum I have been doing it all wrong. I’ve been waiting, hoping and trying to be the woman I was before. Trying to crack the same jokes, have the same conversations and do the same things that I used to be able to do and failing. I think because I am scared, scared to let go of that fun carefree woman to make way for the person I find myself being more like. Scared that this new person won’t fit in the way she once did. Scared to hear the dreaded words “Wow you’ve changed” But as I wrote those words just now it hit me… Why on earth is that negative!? Aren’t we as human beings supposed to change and evolve and grow? How boring would it be if I stayed the exact same for the rest of my life? Never growing never learning just remaining the same.

The truth is I have changed forever I am not the same person I was before I became a mother and I never will be the same. At this point in my life I can’t drop everything and go on a trip, or even have a spontaneous dinner out with friends because at this season of my life it just isn’t feasible and that’s ok. I know that one day those things will become something I can do again. I have accepted all of that internally but I think I have had a hard time sharing it externally. Afraid to say no to things that just aren’t possible at this stage, or worried to make people upset for not being able to do what I once was. But I can’t do that anymore I can’t hide the fact that things are different, that my life is no longer the same and that my priorities have changed in so many ways. I am finding my identity as a mother and saying a gracious goodbye to the carefree woman behind me. She did me real good for twenty four glorious years but I have to say this new woman I find myself looking at in the mirror is pretty freaking cool too!

I think through all of this what I have learned the most about motherhood and postpartum is that recovery takes an immense amount of time. The physical stuff heals so much faster than mental and emotional aspects. Even now when I feel like I am finally starting to feel more like the new me and accept myself as I am, I know that my journey of postpartum healing and adjusting is still not quite done. I am still trying to learn how to be Mykela: the mom, wife, daughter/daughter in law and friend. That balance is hard but I am working on it and will probably always be working on it!

Now I didn’t write this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I think that’s why I was scared to share this part of me because I didn’t want people to treat me differently or feel bad for me. I simply wanted to share how hard this transition to motherhood has been for me and try to connect to other women who might be feeling the same way. I wanted to share the struggle I have been dealing with of accepting the new role of mom and trying to balance it all.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this I appreciate each and every one of you! This motherhood thing ain’t easy but boy is it worth it and it makes it even better having support from all of you.

Bye For Now,

From One Wild Mother to Another