Started at the Breast Now Were Here

I’m not breast feeding anymore. My journey with breastfeeding did not start out easy at all and I plan to do a whole post on my breastfeeding experience but this post is going to be about my transition from breast feeding to formula. Now when I finally got the hang of breastfeeding, I was so happy, I loved being able to feed Maevery something I was producing naturally and the bonding experience was amazing.

Once breastfeeding had been established, I told my husband that as soon as she was four weeks old I was going to introduce the bottle via pumping. That way she would bond with my husband and be able to take the bottle later on should I decide to go out for more than two hours. Four weeks came and went and it was like this dark cloud hanging over me that both my husband and I ignored. I had this fear that the minute I introduced the bottle to her she was going to prefer it and that we would lose the relationship that I had worked so hard on. I also felt like as soon as I had the option to leave Maevery for more than two hours that I would be pushed to do so and I wasn’t quite ready for that. So, I ignored that timeline and kept exclusively breastfeeding and felt quite confident in it until our first appointment with our family doctor.

Our little bean on the day she was born

Maevery was born small at 5lbs 3 oz due to an anatomical abnormality I was born with (Which is another post I plan on chatting about soon as well), because of that, weight has been something we have constantly monitored and have been conscious of since day one. When my doctor asked us to come back in four weeks to check her weight gain because she was only in the fourth percentile, that is when the doubt set in. I began to wonder am I feeding her enough? Is she getting enough breast milk? Maybe I’m not eating enough? Maybe I am not drinking enough water? Question after question swirled in my mind as we waited for the next appointment to check her progress. I remember even looking at her little leg rolls and wondering if they had gotten smaller or bigger (Ain’t motherhood crazy!?). To make me feel better my husband and I took her to the public health clinic and weighed her, and my doubts only grew as we realized she had only gained three ounces in just under three weeks. But again, I kept telling myself everything was fine as she was having enough wet diapers and seemed to be a relatively happy baby.

While this was going on, I finally decided to try and pump and introduce the bottle to Maevery. I think subconsciously I wanted to do this to see how much breast milk I was making just to give myself the reassurance that everything was ok, call it momtuition (aka mom intuition which is literally a super power that all moms inherit) but something was making me doubt it. So, I went to pump after Maevery nursed and watched as only a few drops dripped into the chamber and after a full ten minutes on each side I had pumped less than an ounce. Now I realized maybe it was just because she had sucked me dry so when my husband got home, I told him I wanted to give Maevery formula for one feed so I could pump and have a supply started. When the time came for her to eat Richard took over with the formula and I went to pump. I watched again as only small amounts came out and at the end of my pumping session, I had a measly 50mls. For those of you who don’t know that was definitely not enough for a baby her age, my boobs were not cutting it.

Denial set it in and Richard tried to reassure me but because of the doubts I already had earlier we decided to supplement with formula after each nursing session and subsequently she began taking at least 60mls of formula with each feed. And that is when I realized what I had questioned and feared all along was true, I was not making enough milk anymore. Immediately intense guilt set in as we felt like we had been starving her. How long had she not been getting enough!? I felt like this terrible parent who had failed our child. I have always felt that food is food, of course If you can breastfeed there are multiple benefits to doing so, but I know so many women who never produced enough milk or decided that formula just fit their lifestyle better and I totally understand that and pass zero judgement. But when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to breastfeed anymore I really beat myself up. I felt like my body had failed me and at one point I honestly had thought that if I would have had her back before formula was invented, I wouldn’t have been able to take care of her and that she would have died! (Again, ain’t motherhood crazy!?). It’s funny how supportive and forgiving we are to those around us and how hard we are on ourselves.

Our lovely newborn photos were done by Lisa MacDougall she is such a talented human being!

After adjusting my mood has completely shifted and I am honestly happier now that she is on formula then I was breastfeeding. Although breastfeeding had its moments it was a lot of pressure too. So much of the bulk of caring for the baby falls on your shoulders and it can feel overwhelming at times. So, when I realized now that it wasn’t all going to be on me and that Richard could feed her when she decided she was hungry right when our dinner was ready or that he could take the night shift it was such a relief. After I had come to terms with my feelings and I had my follow up with my doctor my answer was no when she asked me if I wanted to try some things to increase my milk supply. I had made the decision that after almost four months of breastfeeding I was done and you know what!? I am proud of myself! My journey with breastfeeding was not easy and I am proud that I stuck it out and that I gave her those four months but I am also proud that I made the decision to switch to formula when I realized that it was better for her health and mine. Maevery is now eleven pounds nine ounces gaining every day and is a healthy happy baby and it is honestly such a relief!

When I started breastfeeding this is definitely not how I pictured it ending and I honestly had no idea how fast your milk supply could dry up, you’d think doctors would warn you about the possibility of that happening and signs to watch for! I’ve talked to some other moms and heard similar stories so I want to hear from all you other mamas! Did something like this happen to you or what has your feeding journey been like!?

PSA if you are formula feeding or plan to you need to get the Baby Brezza Formula Pro seriously just get it already! I know they are pricey but we got ours used for half the price and could not function without it, it is a lifesaver. Seriously go buy it…NOW!! The link for it is attached to the blog post incase you are interested.